and my herpes radar will keep us safe
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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