I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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