i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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