Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
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