her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
