my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
