i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
