I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
