I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
