How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
