It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
