I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
