I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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