Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
FUCK WHALES
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
