??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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