i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
