she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Randomize
