i wish starbucks made bloody marys
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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