she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
