At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
