Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize