I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
