This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
