You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
