you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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