Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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