I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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