So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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