I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
