She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
