he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
