I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
