i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
