guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize