in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
