so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
