I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
