I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
