did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
