I like to think it a success when the cops are called
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
