i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There r osticjed everywhere
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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