Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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