I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
