I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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