what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
