I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
