My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
