At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
