Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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