i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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