I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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