You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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