I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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