Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
