Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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