I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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