hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
