I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
