The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize