In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
