tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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