I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
