You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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