Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
